The bestest news... and the whole story leading up to it...

So as some know I am going to have to move... I am losing our Van... I am trying to figure out what my next step should be with my son Dalen... Some people tell me they dont think it's a big deal... that it can wait cause this or that or this or that... My issue is I don't know how I should handle him... How should I handle discipline... how should I handle meltdowns with him... just everything... I feel a lot of guilt over putting him on medication and NOT asking maybe that ONE question I should have asked or that ONE thing I may or may have not said... Cause I have this fear of confrontation... Myself like nearly everyone I know have had a lot of bad stuff happen to me and I got the feeling like no one wanted to hear what I had to say... but I have this huge weight and I keep thinking I failed my son... maybe I havent... I have gotten a lot of encouring words from a lot of awesome people... but until I know exactly how to help my son if I ever do I am not going to get rid of that guilt... and its driving me bananas... and that is just one of my 5 lovely children... They all have there own problems and issues and emotions and most of them don't know how or refuse to... Plus you and your spouse... having your own issues and dealing with all our kids issues... and we do do our very best everyday to wake up and make the best of our day... I only have brief feeling sorry for myself moments... and those who may follow my facebook... I tend to post more when I am upset to reach out for comfort... I am trying to enjoy the best moments the other times... or I am busy in the in between... I try to post the happy moments as much as I can...  just to make sure people know at the end of the day no matter what I love my life... My kids my husbend... and all the other people that are important to me... There is a lot more people then maybe a lot of people realize... I can not stand DRAMA either... I see a lot of people not striving to live the way I try to and I CAN NOT STAND IT... and that is why I have social anxiety and always feel judged along with people not understanding how to help or what to do cause they cant possibly know... IF YOU ARE READING I AM IN NO WAY TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME... I am mearly trying to give myself a voice... but you know what I do have it kinda rough... but I am doing my very best everyday fighting to make everything better in any possible way... somedays its much easier then others... but I like to be home and this is my safe place... but as of last night someone totally entirely took that safe place away from me...

Which leads to the news I got that totally turned my frown upside down... We have known we are going to move for about a week... and so I went on the classifieds on KSL... wonderful site I think anyways... and I was looking at how much houses where to rent in my area... cause of not wanting to move schools or to far from Dalen and Emily and Ethans school or out or district bounds and having to spend even more money in gas... cause I want my kids to stay there... cause they love it!!! all of them love to go to school... so I would do anything I had to do to get them to stay there... anywho... I seen an ad for a house for rent... 7 bedrooms... maybe it looks a little rough on the outside but I have always been told not to judge a book by its cover... so yesterday I called them cause I wanted to see inside... the person myself and Will where all only available after the kids got out of school yesterday... and I didnt want to stress my kids out... but at the same time I needed to see there reaction to this place... Well each one of us loved it...  I wasnt sure what would happen and I knew at this point in time we do not have ANY money for a deposit or anything... not really anything like the kind of money they want for a deposit and such until we get our Tax return... but I made sure we had all the information we would need... I was going to fill out the application for the apartment but I figured there was no point cause we didnt have the money right now... so I was just going to take the application to her if it was still available when we could move... Well I tried calling today just to let the lady know I would not be turning it in and tell her if it was still available when we could move then we where very interested... Well I got a vm and left a message and got back no return call all day... so I just brushed it off... what do you do... Well the Lady called me about 8 pm and asked me why I didnt turn in the application basically... and I said well cause we just dont have the money right now... and basically she said get the application in and we can quilify  they will do there best to work with us till we can get our return back... So YES... we havent sealed the deal yet... but it gives me sooooooo much hope that things really can get better... and it makes it a lot less hard to smile... :) Sorry if I am a little scattered in my writing... lol

fudgin fudge fudge fudge...

So someone tried to break into my house thank goodness that is all the happened the outcome could be so much worse... and I am thankful it wasnt... but at the same time... I feel scared something will happen though... They may have not got in or took anything from my property but they did take something from me... they took the feeling that I am safe in my home... and I dont like it one bit... I have broke down crying I dont know how many times today... I have realized though that I can not let someone else dictate how I feel inside my home... So I have decided to get a gun... I am going to take classes and get my concealed weapons too... I have not ever shot a gun because I was scared because of a tramatic experience that happened when I was a kid I had a fear of guns... My Dad Farrell is an avid hunter and I have always had them around but when I was living at my parents home my dad would always let me know before he got the guns out of the gun cabnit so I could stay in my room... I never thought I would ever feel so unsafe I would need one... or want one... I have never wanted one in my house as an adult... but times change and I am not going to let someone control how I feel anywhere... so I am going to take the steps to feel safe again... until that day though... I am armed with a metal base ball bat...

pickle juice...

I am kinda sick of some certain people taking advantage of me... but sometimes I wonder if its really that people taking advantage or maybe its the fact I hate conflict so much...  I keep my mouth shut... I have decided while driving home from dropping off Jax at school that I am going to stand up for myself just a little more... I do not mind doing things for people even people I do not like... but I am not going to stand for my generousity to go unappciated no more... :)

I need something like this...

I have so many thoughts and feelings and I think I need to reach people somehow... but I am a busy mommy who doesnt have time to do much... but I realize me writing can be therputic for me and maybe to others... and I really need to just do it...